If you could get front-row seats to see anything south of Houston Street, one of the top picks would have to be watching equity salesman on Wall Street come up with new, devious ways to sell debt-ridden investment banks. After all, it can't be easy getting the slimy paper of Lehman's or Merrill Lynch or even the more reputable stuff like Morgan Stanley or Goldman Sachs off your books. If only the federal government could come up with some kind of repackaging scheme -- such as the way developing countries did 20 years ago, by re-branding themselves "emerging markets."
Welcome to iBank 2.0! iBank 2.0 is my suggested re-branding method for all investment-oriented banks (let's get real: "bank holding company" somehow doesn't sound quite so sexy when you're trying to offload multi-million share packages of your stock to anyone but a lone billionaire value investor or your government).
If you're an equity salesperson looking to unload stock of perilous investment banks, here's a quick Q&A which you should feel free to copy and paste as you like:
Q: What is an iBank 2.0? It sounds kind of like the same thing as before, but with a cutesy software-package sounding name?
A: On the contrary. We know the name sounds sexy, but it's much more than that! iBank 2.0's are the next generation of investment banks, with added features. These features include:
Government Ownership: While you may have heard a lot of bad press recently about investment banks being "bailed out" by sleepy government officials, we fully expect iBank 2.0's to benefit hugely from the new, aggressive interest of international governments in this next generation of banking! Imagine all the kinds of Carlyle Group-style defense deals the iBank 2.0 is now exposed to, compared with before, just by being so close to the federal government. Also, governments have consistently shown themselves to be long-term holders of stock, meaning there's extra protection to the extent of your downside. This is a pure upside play!
Limits on short-selling: Because of the government vested interest scheme described above, we fully expect iBank 2.0's to benefit from official intervention in market trading if greedy short-sellers decide to pound your stock! Another limit on your downside!
iBank 2.0's take deposits!: One of the most frustrating things about the traditional investment banking model was that it was constrained from taking deposits, meaning less money for high-risk bets that earn you as an equity holder big gains. Now that's all changed! The iBank 2.0 can take as many consumer deposits as it wants, thus giving it extra ammunition in the increasingly competitive global investment arena. However, because of this feature, your deposits may not actually be as safe as they previously were (just like pre-Glass Steagall). Therefore we recommend getting any spare cash you have sitting on a stable interest-paying deposit account and instead loading up for maximum advantage in iBank 2.0 stock.
Asian bank ownership: With the growth of China and India, it's increasingly important these days to be close to the ground in the booming Asian region! That's why iBank 2.0's are nearly all at least 5% owned by a major Chinese or Japanese bank.
Q: Sounds good. But I've heard that these new entities are going to suffer a slower growth rate than the old investment banks, because of increased regulatory oversight.
A: First of all, they're not just "entities," they're iBank 2.0's! But let us explain. Whenever an industry is in transition, there's always talk of more regulation leading to slower growth. However, in practice this never really happens at all. Instead companies find all sorts of creative ways to take the high-risk stuff offshore, away from the wandering eyes of those regulators! In the case of iBank 2.0's, the offshore location is the crazy, debauched city of Tokyo! That's the very reason why Asian bank ownership is an in-built feature of the iBank 2.0 -- that way, the high risk stuff can all be offshored to these semi-parent entities.
Q: OK, I see. But then there is the question of management. I've heard that the most important aspect of a company is its management. Is the lousy management that ran traditional investment banks going to remain the same in these iBank 2.0's?
A: No! The best part is that they've all been fired, and that the government is putting up roadblocks on the ironclad severance packages they had previously negotiated, meaning iBank 2.0's should probably not have to pay for the previous generation of investment banks' mistakes!
Q: I like the sound of these iBank 2.0's, and I'm becoming convinced, but I have one last question. When I look at the balance sheets of these things, they still look like ailing investment banks that have been bailed out in a recessive and vulnerable economy. That's not where I want to put my money, is it?
A: A balance sheet is at best a snapshot of a company last quarter. Because iBank 2.0's are SO NEW (i.e. created in the last few days) you can't accurately see them yet on a balance sheet. That's why it's crucial to get in now, before all the other investors see the above. But there's also the issue of creative destruction at play here. Creative destruction was a theory developed by Harvard economist Joseph Schumpeter. Creative destruction is the process whereby an industry is overhauled as a result of new, improved product (and operational) performance of competitors. What we are witnessing now is the "creative destruction" of the investment banking industry, whereby the new iBank 2.0's will prevail as the global winners in the investment arena.
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